Honduras, Massachusetts, Alabama

Being back in the states is... emotional. It's good, so good, to see friends and family. It's hard not seeing my kids every day. It's different... so so different. Driving a car and leaving my house whenever I want and having access to pretty much anything. And yet so normal. I've been back 10 days and yet it feels like weeks. Funny how you just kinda slip back into your normal life style. It makes sense, really. I lived in the states for 19 years... I lived in Honduras for 6 months. Of course this would be the most "normal" and at-home thing for me. But at the same time, it's not. I know this is confusing. My head's spinning too.

It's 5 am and I'm still awake. I guess it's not surprising that I'm having trouble sleeping tonight seeing as in a couple hours I leave for Alabama. I'll be visiting for 10 days and Lord willing I will have answers to everyone's questions, including my own, about what I am doing with my life after this trip. Please pray for provision, pray for wisdom, pray for peace.

I wanted to update you friends on some things that happened my last week at Emmanuel. Cause it was a good week... a difficult week, an emotional week... but a stinkin good week. God showed me so much and I had a lot of cool moments that I know He coordinated specially for that last week.

For starters, I'm really not usually a very outspokenly-emotional girl. And by that, I mean I really don't normally cry a whole lot. Until the end of this summer... those last few weeks I became a crier. And the day I left... and the days after that. Just ask my mom. Talking about my boys still makes my eyes well up. All 57 of them are just a bunch of heartbreakers with their sweet smiles and hugs and love. I miss them, and I can't imagine not seeing them again. But it's all in God's timing. I'm coming to terms with that, and I'm ok with it. But, if I could hop on a plane to Tegucigalpa instead of Atlanta tomorrow I would absolutely do so.

I've talked about Sandra since I arrived at Emmanuel in January. She's a sweet, sweet 11 year old girl with a smile that will steal your heart. She is disabled, and has lived in the toddler house since she arrived at Emmanuel a couple years ago. She didn't go to school and so she stayed there to be cared for and looked after because all the other kids attend school during the day. Over the past 7 months God's been working with her. There has been a constant flow of volunteers/team members who have a desire to help her. Whether it be a physical therapist or occupational therapist, or the sweet hearted volunteer who bought her parallel bars so she could practice walking on her own, God has provided people.

Julissa (center)

There's this cute little 9 year old girl with big brown eyes named Julissa that lives in the Medium girls house. She and my friend Brittany were really close, and so when Brit left in May I started bringing her to church with me, and that is how we became close as well (bear with me, I promise I'm going somewhere with all of this). I promised Julissa we would have a sleepover before I left. So the Saturday before I left I planned to do that. It didn't work out, and so I told her I would sleep over her house monday night. Monday night rolled around, and when I walked in the door with high school musical in hand, the room was full of 20 or so girls and Sandra!! A physical therapist from the team had talked with some staff members, and they all decided it was in Sandra's best interest to move up into a house with girls her own age. As I was talking with this woman she asked me if I was staying the night. I said yes and asked her where Sandra's room was. My heart melted when she pointed down the hall to the room Julissa lives in. So I was able to have a slumber party with two of my best girls that night. I was able to stay with Sandra on her first night of the big move, tuck her in, pray with her before sleep and just plain be there with her. And at the same time, I was able to snuggle with my girly Julissa and read to her before bed and spend time with her. Blessed. That was God. No other explanation for it. The date change, the room Sandra moved into... it was all ordained by my Heavenly Father and I have no doubts about that. I was so thankful and so stinkin blessed to be a part of that night. Oh and also... Sandra had her first day of school the next day :)

Sandra with some of her new friends!

Now backtracking one day to the Sunday before I left. I was blessed with an abundance of support money, and I was in constant prayer about what I was to do with what was left over from this trip. I had talked with the missions board from my church via email and we had decided it would be best to give to one or more of the staff persons at Emmanuel. I went back and forth with a couple ideas in my head and though I thought I had settled on one I still wasn't totally convinced it was where the money was supposed to go. I was praying God would show me someone who needed it but since you can't exactly walk around saying "who needs money?!" I was patiently waiting to see who that was, and wasn't even sure I would necessarily know who needed it. So that sunday I went to visit the toddler house. I was about to leave when my friend Karen's 3-year-old daughter Ashley ran over to give me a hug. Karen works in the store that sells snacks and sometimes breakfast/lunch at Emmanuel and so I asked her if she wanted to go visit her Mami. She said yes. As we arrived at the store I saw Karen was upset and as I walked over she said "how did you know I needed a hug from my daughter at this very moment?!" Now I've known how God works for too long now to think that "my" idea to bring Ashley to see her mom was from anyone or anything but Him. As I spoke with Karen about what was going on, she expressed to me that she was sick and needed to go to the doctor the next day. Financially she said she wasn't sure she'd be able to make it work at one hospital so she figured she'd have to go to the public hospital in Teguce (which is not exactly the place you want your friends being treated at.) As I sat there with the girl I can always count on for a laugh, a smile, a joke... the last person I expected to see in tears... I knew what God wanted me to do with that support money. Thank you to all of you for faithfully and generously giving of your finances... because of your obedience Karen was able to pay for her doctor's visit and the medicine he prescribed her the next day without a problem. Gracias a Dios. 

There were so many other little, seemingly insignificant moments that made that last week special for me. They made it more difficult to leave and at the same time gave me more peace about my departure. I woke up the Saturday morning I left with a completely broken heart. I normally welcomed early mornings at Emmanuel because I loved the peace and quiet time I got when I actually got out of bed before 5 am. That morning I continuously willed myself back to sleep because I was not ready to face leaving. But I survived it. And even that morning God gave me a little something to take home with me. My friend Zue prayed for me, and after that I went back to the house to wait for the taxi driver. I opened up a card from my friend Andi and she had written a verse with the same words my friend Zue had just prayed. I opened up my yearly Bible and the reading for that day once again referenced the same passage: "The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you; The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace." The Jesus Calling devotional for the day before I left began with "Entrust your loved ones to Me..." and continued to talk about how much better off our loved ones are in Jesus' protective arms. That challenged me to let go. To not worry and fret and be anxious about my boys and who would fix their cuts and hug them and love them every day. Because even if another volunteer was not provided ever again... they are in our Heavenly Father's loving arms, and He will provide all they need. (Don't get me wrong. The staff members in that house love and care for those boys in ways much bigger than I or any other volunteer ever could... but the volunteers have more lenience to "spoil" the kids... we're kind of like the "grandparents" ...we get the fun of spoiling and treating the kids but don't have to be as much of disciplinarians to them. And by the way, a new volunteer arrived the day after I left, and I'm told she was placed in the small boys house :) Gracias a Dios).  

And so I left. I was back in Mass for 10 days. And now I am off to Alabama for another 10. Lord willing, I will be back on September 14th, and I am praying I will have more information about what is to come by then. I trust that God will provide the answers down to the smallest details. Until then, I am at peace with not knowing what's next. I have confidence that God will let me know what I need to know, when I need to know it. And that is enough for me. 

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." -Matthew 6:34

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths." -Proverbs 3:5-6