But lately I see areas in my life where I've been blind to my perfectionism. In my writing, for one. If I haven't posted in this blog for a while it's because I didn't feel I had the perfect words to explain my not so perfect situation. Or maybe I don't feel what's going on is quite as interesting as in the other things I've posted about, so I just don't write at all. You guys probably don't even notice it, but I do. I had a friend tell me once that I tended to write about the "pretty stuff," that I left out the not so pretty, flawed details. Sure, I'll write about things that aren't always positive. But I guess even when I think I'm being honest, in my perfectionism, I'm trying to cover up that honesty with an interesting blog post. Disguise the honest, raw stuff with interesting words and sweet verses and cool stories and sarcastic remarks.
per·fec·tion·ism (per-fek-she-nizem): refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.
All of my insecurities let that perfectionism shine through. Does she not like me? Did they think I was sweet enough? Did I impress him? Or worse- was that prayer good enough? Did I sound "spiritually mature?" I hope they didn't all realize the truth: that I feel completely inadequate, completely unable. That walking into this room alone is awkward for me. That I am so uncomfortable.Or how about my faith? Yep, I said it. Okay so I know God loves me, I know He forgave my sins... but maybe last night I opened my mouth a few too many times when I should have stayed quiet. I didn't say very nice things. Or I had judgmental thoughts. I made a rash decision without thinking it all the way through first. I didn't talk to that person sitting by themselves at the coffee shop even though I knew I was supposed to. I haven't read my Bible in 3 days. I might as well give up, cause I can't do this whole being Christian thing. I'm just not perfect at it.
Oh I can tell other people that they don't need to be perfect. That God loves them anyways.. I can recite all those verses and write blog posts about it til I'm blue in the face but when it comes to myself I refuse to let up. And I don't even realize the self destruction until I've broken myself down.
I have a lot of alone time here. I'm still meeting people and finding my place and other than work I don't have a whole lot of things to occupy my time with. As a result I end up with a lot of time left alone with my thoughts, my insecurities, my imperfections. And I can use this time in one of two ways. I can let all those thoughts, the loneliness, the uncertainty of tomorrow... I can flinch at the times I recall saying or doing the wrong thing and wish away all those awkward moments or times when I truly just let my flesh win. Or I can put my confidence in the Lord. I can trust that He will take care of tomorrow, as he has so many times before. That He will guide my steps. That His grace is enough. That when He was nailed up on that cross and He muttered "It is finished" with His dying breath, and 3 days later when He beat that same death, when He came alive again after a full 72 hours of being dead.... that is when His blood covered me. He covered all of my sins, my insecurities, my fleshly desires and my imperfections. He scooped me up with His wounded hands from the nails that put Him up on that cross and He said to me "My grace is sufficent for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."
So I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me (2 Corinthians 12:8-9).
