per-fek-she-nizem

I never used to see myself as a perfectionist. I get out of bed in the morning and leave it unmade, and I like it that way. I sometimes throw my clothes all over the place instead of putting them back where they belong. At times I have trash on the floor of my car or sticky spots in my cup holders from early morning spilt coffee. I can get a B in a class and be happy with it, and I'm ok with an incomplete on a homework assignment if there's something of higher priority that needs to be done. I mean, I'm currently a college drop out and I'm not having a come-apart over it (a fun phrase I learned down here. It sounds so much more graceful than "mental breakdown").

But lately I see areas in my life where I've been blind to my perfectionism. In my writing, for one. If I haven't posted in this blog for a while it's because I didn't feel I had the perfect words to explain my not so perfect situation. Or maybe I don't feel what's going on is quite as interesting as in the other things I've posted about, so I just don't write at all. You guys probably don't even notice it, but I do. I had a friend tell me once that I tended to write about the "pretty stuff," that I left out the not so pretty, flawed details. Sure, I'll write about things that aren't always positive. But I guess even when I think I'm being honest, in my perfectionism, I'm trying to cover up that honesty with an interesting blog post. Disguise the honest, raw stuff with interesting words and sweet verses and cool stories and sarcastic remarks.

per·fec·tion·ism (per-fek-she-nizem): refusal to accept                                                 any standard short of perfection.

All of my insecurities let that perfectionism shine through. Does she not like me? Did they think I was sweet enough? Did I impress him? Or worse- was that prayer good enough? Did I sound "spiritually mature?" I hope they didn't all realize the truth: that I feel completely inadequate, completely unable. That walking into this room alone is awkward for me. That I am so uncomfortable.

Or how about my faith? Yep, I said it. Okay so I know God loves me, I know He forgave my sins... but maybe last night I opened my mouth a few too many times when I should have stayed quiet. I didn't say very nice things. Or I had judgmental thoughts. I made a rash decision without thinking it all the way through first. I didn't talk to that person sitting by themselves at the coffee shop even though I knew I was supposed to. I haven't read my Bible in 3 days. I might as well give up, cause I can't do this whole being Christian thing. I'm just not perfect at it.

Oh I can tell other people that they don't need to be perfect. That God loves them anyways.. I can recite all those verses and write blog posts about it til I'm blue in the face but when it comes to myself I refuse to let up. And I don't even realize the self destruction until I've broken myself down.

I have a lot of alone time here. I'm still meeting people and finding my place and other than work I don't have a whole lot of things to occupy my time with. As a result I end up with a lot of time left alone with my thoughts, my insecurities, my imperfections. And I can use this time in one of two ways. I can let all those thoughts, the loneliness, the uncertainty of tomorrow... I can flinch at the times I recall saying or doing the wrong thing and wish away all those awkward moments or times when I truly just let my flesh win. Or I can put my confidence in the Lord. I can trust that He will take care of tomorrow, as he has so many times before. That He will guide my steps. That His grace is enough. That when He was nailed up on that cross and He muttered "It is finished" with His dying breath, and 3 days later when He beat that same death, when He came alive again after a full 72 hours of being dead.... that is when His blood covered me. He covered all of my sins, my insecurities, my fleshly desires and my imperfections. He scooped me up with His wounded hands from the nails that put Him up on that cross and He said to me "My grace is sufficent for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."

So I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me (2 Corinthians 12:8-9).

The Minute Magazine

I was recently blessed with the opportunity to share an article in a small Louisiana magazine called "The Minute Magazine." I thought I would post it on here if anyone is interested in reading it! My article is on pages 42-43.

http://issuu.com/theminutemagazine/docs/mm_nov_dec_2013_online

Y'all, football

I meet a lot of new people here. Mostly because everyone I know lives, well, not in Alabama. It always makes me laugh when the first question out of someone's mouth after they meet me is "so where are you from?" ...I mean, is it really that obvious I'm not from here?

But then when I say I'm from Massachusetts, the next thing is always "you don't sound like you're from Boston!" Trying to explain to people not from New England that there is in fact more to Massachusetts than just Boston is a more difficult task than you would think.

And then there's the football thing. I grew up with Sunday afternoon football, occasionally Monday night football. We root for the Patriots from our couches at home and are perfectly content with it. To my northern friends- it is a whole other world down here. Whether you are meeting someone for the first time, meeting someone for lunch, in a board meeting or a staff meeting... any and every meeting begins and concludes with football talk. And not the NFL. And not just college football... high school football too. They actually changed the date of halloween here because there was a high school football game on halloween. So the city of Opelika mandated that trick-or-treating would be done on the night of the 30th, not the 31st. Seriously, football is a big deal here. I went to a football game at a very small high school out in the country and I wanted to know if they had their own football field or if the game would be somewhere else. I thought I was going to cause a heart attack. Apparently every school has a football field. Except the town I grew up in. We had Bullens field.

But somewhere in between the struggle to not succumb to the peer pressure to say "y'all" and the process of learning my roles in a new job, a lot of new names, and how to keep up with football stats, I've survived my first month in Alabama. There have been easy days, and there have been not so easy days. I've been tired, really tired. There have been trials but there have also been many, many blessings. I am learning more and more every day about the sovereignty of God, and how much better His plans are than mine. Seriously, He's just good at the whole planning thing.

By the way, they do in fact know about iced coffee and sarcasm down here. So that was a relief. I might just make it after all.



"But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ." -Phil. 3:7-8

anything

"We were made for God. To be filled with him, to live out our days for him, and to long for the day we will meet him. The minute Adam and Eve turned from him to their pride, they were lost and restless, searching for the fulfillment that only he could bring them. We've all followed suit... searching, longing, waiting, but not running to our Jesus. See, he always had an elaborate yet simple plan to get us back.
                                       To die.
So when he looks back at me and says, Okay now, Kalli, you die. Die to this life and your will and your need to be important and comfortable and happy, he has my attention."
                                                      -Jennie Allen, anything

Sweet Home Alabama

I always had this cookie cutter shaped idea of what my life would look like. I would graduate high school; go away to college and graduate four years later with a nursing degree. I would of course be engaged to the handsome guy that I met in college who was most likely going to med school, because what is more perfect than a doctor marrying a nurse? We would live in beautiful house and have beautiful children and life would just be beautiful.

I could not have been more wrong.

I graduated high school. I went away to college, and I hated it. By the end of Christmas break after my first semester I had already packed up my belongings, moved back home, and enrolled in community college. I began desperately attempting to fix my plan, put it back together and get back on track. I was convinced I could still live out this cookie cutter life I had in mind, without realizing what I was doing. I was in the middle of my second semester at the community college I always swore I would never attend, studying out of over priced textbooks and applying to every nursing program that would accept transfer students when suddenly my life took off in the opposite direction of my original cookie cutter plan. Before I knew what I was getting myself into I had a flight booked to Honduras for the following semester and I began to give God the reins in my life with little idea of what was about to happen to my heart.

That was almost a year ago, and looking back on this past year I can’t believe it has only been a year. I feel like I’ve aged 5 years in the past 11 months and my life has been flipped upside down and turned inside out more times than I can count. The Lord has shown me, sometimes subtly, and sometimes not so subtly, that I can do nothing without His help. That His plan is better than mine, and that if I lay down my pride and submit to His will, no matter the cost, He will provide. Most recently I’ve felt God leading me to move to Alabama, and so last Wednesday I boarded a flight, this time to Atlanta, GA to begin my most recent journey.

Let’s start with day 1. Wednesday, September 4^th. I boarded my first flight from Hartford to Charlotte and was greeted by a mother with her six-month-old baby. I’m aware that most people grimace at the idea of babies being aboard a plane, but I was thrilled. As soon as this babies’ mother said hello to me I could hear a Hispanic accent in her speech. And within 5 minutes, she was speaking Spanish to her baby. We began talking about Mexico, where she was from, and Honduras. We talked the whole flight and I don’t think she had an idea how soothing it was to my soul to hear someone speaking Spanish. Weird, I know. Bear with me. So then I board flight # 2, from Charlotte to Atlanta. This time two guys around my age who were no doubt European greet me. As I sat down I listened to figure out what language they were speaking, and I was almost positive it was Danish. I spent the whole flight listening them converse in Danish and was thrilled whenever I recognized a word… for those of you who don’t know, I had a couple of friends who were from Denmark while I was in Honduras and learning about their culture/ a couple of words from their language was always a highlight in my day. As we were about to land I asked them where they were from and sure enough they were from Denmark. I know to some of you all of this sounds random, but to me it was little pieces of comfort from my time in Honduras. And to have both languages I grew to love in the same trip was nothing short of a blessing to me that day. Another HUGE blessing that day… I was able to spend a couple of hours with my sweet, sweet friends Brittany and Rachel whom I met in Honduras. I can’t express how good it was for my heart to see them and spend time with them for the first time in months.

Days 2,3,4 and 5 were spent with friends that I had met at Emmanuel. On Saturday I went to my first college football game, which was quite the experience. On Sunday I visited a church that has a college aged service with about 300 students. Incredible.

Day 6, Monday September 9^th. This was the date I had been waiting for after registering for a nursing information session and TEAS Exam slot a couple of months ago, two requirements to applying to the nursing program at Southern Union, the college I applied to for this upcoming spring. Sunday I was blessed with a friend of Andi’s giving me a practice exam book, and so I spent Sunday night studying, which thankfully paid off. With God’s help I scored 10 points higher than the average score for that exam, and so I felt good about that. While I was in the exam Joshua 1:9 kept coming to mind: “Be strong and courageous, do not be terrified or discouraged for the Lord is with you wherever you go.” I wrote this verse on the top of my scrap piece of paper before the exam started. Once the exam was over, I walked out to Andi’s car and she handed me a coffee mug she had picked up for me at a store she was at while waiting for me to finish. On this mug was written Joshua 1:9 in Spanish. Later that night I read out of the chronological Bible I’ve been reading in and that day was a passage in Deuteronomy. Chapter 31, verse 6. Look it up. God is good.

Day 7, Tuesday September 10^th. I had an interview with someone from HR at East Alabama Medical Center. When they called me on Monday they said that there were no available positions but that they wanted to interview me while I was in town since it would only be for this week. Showed up to the interview the next morning and the woman interviewing me said there were 5 open Med Care Tech positions that were placed on her desk that morning. She needed to post them internally so that staff had the first chance to interview but after that I could potentially be called in for another interview. Before this trip I had said that I needed to have a job secured or I wouldn’t move down there. I walked out to the car and told Andi that I felt like I needed to let that go, that even if I didn’t have a job I needed to come down on faith that God would provide a job. So that was that afternoon. That night I also received an email from Passion, the conference I have been wanting to go to in Atlanta this coming January. It was an email thanking me for registering, and in this email was my ticket. I did not register for a ticket to Passion. I am so blessed.

Day 8, Wednesday September 11^th. I woke up to an email from a guy I had met in Honduras, Milt. He forwarded me an email about a part-time receptionist job at a ministry called Youth For Christ. I decided to call them about it and at least see what it was about. When I called Kevin, the guy who runs this ministry, he said he didn’t know who Milt was but that he would be happy to interview with me. When he asked me where I was staying I told him the name of the family who has welcomed me into their home and he told me that yes he knew that family and that Eric used to be on the board for Youth For Christ. We set up an interview time for that afternoon. I walked into that interview with the idea of potentially working in the mornings, part time, as a receptionist. I walked out of that interview with an offer for a full time job (pending the board meetings final decision next week) as administrative assistant for YFC. Kevin had been looking for someone to take up this position and someone had just fallen through the day before. He claimed I was an answer to prayer, I say this job offer was an answer to prayer. I could not be more excited to work for this ministry and see what God does with that. I have yet to receive a phone call from EAMC. The reason I had so actively pursued a job there was because they offer a scholarship to Southern Union for the nursing program, and employees are more apt to get it. I also found out on Wednesday that I am not eligible for that scholarship because I have taken half of the classes for that nursing program at a different college. God’s plans are so much better than mine. That night I went to a college ministry at the church I went to on Sunday. As I listened to the speaker I was challenged: if all of these blessings were taken away from me tomorrow, is Jesus enough? Do I need all of these things and moments and opportunities to continue following Him? I would like to say that, yes; even if everything that I’ve been given this week were taken away from me I would continue to follow where I feel God is leading me (Alabama)…I only hope that would be true. For now I am thankful and blessed for what I have been provided with, and pray that God is glorified through this whole journey. That others will see that none of these opportunities I have been given are of myself. Because I can accomplish nothing on my own, and for every second of success or opportunity I have been provided with, God receives the glory for that. Not me.

Day 9, Thursday September 12^th was spent meeting lots of new people. A friend I met in Honduras introduced me to a girl from Auburn that he thought I would get along well with. We met for coffee that morning, and it was so encouraging to talk with her. To have a conversation with someone my age that has the same passions in their heart as I do was such a blessing. I also met a lot of people from the board at Youth For Christ that day since they will be voting me in (or not) this Monday at their meeting. The chairman of the board ended our meeting with “can’t wait to work with you.” So encouraging. My heart is full.

Day 10, Friday September 13^th. I had received a text from Kevin from YFC on Thursday asking me to go to Opelika High School this morning and sit in on a meeting for a club that is just beginning. I had no idea what to expect. I walked into the choir room at the high school and the leader of the group said to me “you must be Kalli. Our topic today is orphans and Kevin told me you were at Orphanage Emmanuel, I was hoping you would share about your time there.” Talk about on the spot. That seems to be a theme in the past few months. Friday night I was able to see another sweet friend I had met at Emmanuel as she is in town this weekend. It was so encouraging to chat and catch up on our lives since we’d last seen each other.

Today I sit in an airport waiting to board a plane to North Carolina, where I will be able to see Allison, my best friend growing up who I have not seen in 2 years. My mom, her mom, and her fiancé have blessed me with another plane ticket home on Wednesday so that I can stay and visit with her for a few days.

My cup is overflowing. My heart feels like it could burst. I am so blessed, and so thankful. God provided everything I needed and more this week, down to the very last detail. I have told Youth For Christ that provided I am voted in Monday I will be able to start working October 7^th. And so after Wednesday I will head home to MA for 2 more weeks to pack and visit with friends and family before I make my way down to sweet home Alabama. Please be praying for continued provision and peace in this decision!

“I don’t always know where this life is going. I can’t see the end of the road, but here is the great part: courage is not about knowing the path. It is about taking the first step. It is about Peter getting out of the boat, stepping out onto the water with complete faith that Jesus will not let him drown.” -Katie Davis, Kisses For Katie

Honduras, Massachusetts, Alabama

Being back in the states is... emotional. It's good, so good, to see friends and family. It's hard not seeing my kids every day. It's different... so so different. Driving a car and leaving my house whenever I want and having access to pretty much anything. And yet so normal. I've been back 10 days and yet it feels like weeks. Funny how you just kinda slip back into your normal life style. It makes sense, really. I lived in the states for 19 years... I lived in Honduras for 6 months. Of course this would be the most "normal" and at-home thing for me. But at the same time, it's not. I know this is confusing. My head's spinning too.

It's 5 am and I'm still awake. I guess it's not surprising that I'm having trouble sleeping tonight seeing as in a couple hours I leave for Alabama. I'll be visiting for 10 days and Lord willing I will have answers to everyone's questions, including my own, about what I am doing with my life after this trip. Please pray for provision, pray for wisdom, pray for peace.

I wanted to update you friends on some things that happened my last week at Emmanuel. Cause it was a good week... a difficult week, an emotional week... but a stinkin good week. God showed me so much and I had a lot of cool moments that I know He coordinated specially for that last week.

For starters, I'm really not usually a very outspokenly-emotional girl. And by that, I mean I really don't normally cry a whole lot. Until the end of this summer... those last few weeks I became a crier. And the day I left... and the days after that. Just ask my mom. Talking about my boys still makes my eyes well up. All 57 of them are just a bunch of heartbreakers with their sweet smiles and hugs and love. I miss them, and I can't imagine not seeing them again. But it's all in God's timing. I'm coming to terms with that, and I'm ok with it. But, if I could hop on a plane to Tegucigalpa instead of Atlanta tomorrow I would absolutely do so.

I've talked about Sandra since I arrived at Emmanuel in January. She's a sweet, sweet 11 year old girl with a smile that will steal your heart. She is disabled, and has lived in the toddler house since she arrived at Emmanuel a couple years ago. She didn't go to school and so she stayed there to be cared for and looked after because all the other kids attend school during the day. Over the past 7 months God's been working with her. There has been a constant flow of volunteers/team members who have a desire to help her. Whether it be a physical therapist or occupational therapist, or the sweet hearted volunteer who bought her parallel bars so she could practice walking on her own, God has provided people.

Julissa (center)

There's this cute little 9 year old girl with big brown eyes named Julissa that lives in the Medium girls house. She and my friend Brittany were really close, and so when Brit left in May I started bringing her to church with me, and that is how we became close as well (bear with me, I promise I'm going somewhere with all of this). I promised Julissa we would have a sleepover before I left. So the Saturday before I left I planned to do that. It didn't work out, and so I told her I would sleep over her house monday night. Monday night rolled around, and when I walked in the door with high school musical in hand, the room was full of 20 or so girls and Sandra!! A physical therapist from the team had talked with some staff members, and they all decided it was in Sandra's best interest to move up into a house with girls her own age. As I was talking with this woman she asked me if I was staying the night. I said yes and asked her where Sandra's room was. My heart melted when she pointed down the hall to the room Julissa lives in. So I was able to have a slumber party with two of my best girls that night. I was able to stay with Sandra on her first night of the big move, tuck her in, pray with her before sleep and just plain be there with her. And at the same time, I was able to snuggle with my girly Julissa and read to her before bed and spend time with her. Blessed. That was God. No other explanation for it. The date change, the room Sandra moved into... it was all ordained by my Heavenly Father and I have no doubts about that. I was so thankful and so stinkin blessed to be a part of that night. Oh and also... Sandra had her first day of school the next day :)

Sandra with some of her new friends!

Now backtracking one day to the Sunday before I left. I was blessed with an abundance of support money, and I was in constant prayer about what I was to do with what was left over from this trip. I had talked with the missions board from my church via email and we had decided it would be best to give to one or more of the staff persons at Emmanuel. I went back and forth with a couple ideas in my head and though I thought I had settled on one I still wasn't totally convinced it was where the money was supposed to go. I was praying God would show me someone who needed it but since you can't exactly walk around saying "who needs money?!" I was patiently waiting to see who that was, and wasn't even sure I would necessarily know who needed it. So that sunday I went to visit the toddler house. I was about to leave when my friend Karen's 3-year-old daughter Ashley ran over to give me a hug. Karen works in the store that sells snacks and sometimes breakfast/lunch at Emmanuel and so I asked her if she wanted to go visit her Mami. She said yes. As we arrived at the store I saw Karen was upset and as I walked over she said "how did you know I needed a hug from my daughter at this very moment?!" Now I've known how God works for too long now to think that "my" idea to bring Ashley to see her mom was from anyone or anything but Him. As I spoke with Karen about what was going on, she expressed to me that she was sick and needed to go to the doctor the next day. Financially she said she wasn't sure she'd be able to make it work at one hospital so she figured she'd have to go to the public hospital in Teguce (which is not exactly the place you want your friends being treated at.) As I sat there with the girl I can always count on for a laugh, a smile, a joke... the last person I expected to see in tears... I knew what God wanted me to do with that support money. Thank you to all of you for faithfully and generously giving of your finances... because of your obedience Karen was able to pay for her doctor's visit and the medicine he prescribed her the next day without a problem. Gracias a Dios. 

There were so many other little, seemingly insignificant moments that made that last week special for me. They made it more difficult to leave and at the same time gave me more peace about my departure. I woke up the Saturday morning I left with a completely broken heart. I normally welcomed early mornings at Emmanuel because I loved the peace and quiet time I got when I actually got out of bed before 5 am. That morning I continuously willed myself back to sleep because I was not ready to face leaving. But I survived it. And even that morning God gave me a little something to take home with me. My friend Zue prayed for me, and after that I went back to the house to wait for the taxi driver. I opened up a card from my friend Andi and she had written a verse with the same words my friend Zue had just prayed. I opened up my yearly Bible and the reading for that day once again referenced the same passage: "The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you; The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace." The Jesus Calling devotional for the day before I left began with "Entrust your loved ones to Me..." and continued to talk about how much better off our loved ones are in Jesus' protective arms. That challenged me to let go. To not worry and fret and be anxious about my boys and who would fix their cuts and hug them and love them every day. Because even if another volunteer was not provided ever again... they are in our Heavenly Father's loving arms, and He will provide all they need. (Don't get me wrong. The staff members in that house love and care for those boys in ways much bigger than I or any other volunteer ever could... but the volunteers have more lenience to "spoil" the kids... we're kind of like the "grandparents" ...we get the fun of spoiling and treating the kids but don't have to be as much of disciplinarians to them. And by the way, a new volunteer arrived the day after I left, and I'm told she was placed in the small boys house :) Gracias a Dios).  

And so I left. I was back in Mass for 10 days. And now I am off to Alabama for another 10. Lord willing, I will be back on September 14th, and I am praying I will have more information about what is to come by then. I trust that God will provide the answers down to the smallest details. Until then, I am at peace with not knowing what's next. I have confidence that God will let me know what I need to know, when I need to know it. And that is enough for me. 

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." -Matthew 6:34

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths." -Proverbs 3:5-6

Jumbled Emotions

I've had this problem the past couple of weeks where I can't seem to voice my thoughts. I have all this clutter tumbling around in my head and whenever I try to talk about it or write it down I suddenly have nothing to say. So here's an attempt at updating you all. (or ya'll. I guess I need to practice saying that, right?)

For starters, the day after I wrote my last post was probably one of the most emotional days I've had here at Emmanuel. I walked down to the boys house in the morning and while I was getting the cereal ready, Melissa came over to me and said "we only need to serve 56 bowls this morning. Rolando left yesterday." I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful that he has had the opportunity to be reunited with his family... I just was not expecting it. If you're looking at the picture on the top of this page, Rolando is the little cutie tucked under my right arm. He loves to give and receive lots of love and hugs, and was always one of the more sensitive boys in the house. I remember a conversation I had with him back in April, and through tears he told me how much he missed his mom. I can't help but be thankful that he is now back with his momma.

To answer the question I'm sure some of you have: yes, the goal is always to place kids with family if at all possible. Many of our kids here do have parents who love them, but similar to many foster care situations in the states, for one reason or another are not always capable of providing. I trust that the courts deemed Rolando's family suitable to provide and that he is being loved and cared for as I write this. Selfishly, I can't help but miss having him here to hug every day, however I know he is where he is supposed to be, and that God has him tucked in the palm of His loving hand.

The day after this, both myself and Melissa were approached to share our testimonies at church the following day. My mouth spoke the word "yes" but the rest of me wanted to scream "nope, no way, not happening." I spent the next 24 hours in a panic, and I had no other choice to give it completely over to God. My stomach was in knots up until the very last minute, but the second I got up front and began to speak, I had the strangest peace. Yes, my hands were still shaking, but I was able to speak in confidence that God was going to give me the words. Isaiah 51:15-16 says "I am the Lord your God, who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar- the Lord of hosts is His name. And I have put My words in your mouth, and I have covered you in the shadow of My hand..." and Isaiah 55:10-11 talks about how God's Word will not return void, but it shall accomplish the purpose of which God sent it. Those two verses were what got me through that day of preparing. I don't like speaking in front of people (I don't think anyone really does), and I also don't especially like my testimony to begin with. I'm not proud of a lot of things that I shared with the kids that night, but I know that God can use anything for His glory and so I just pray that those kids heard not the story of my life, but the story of a sinner redeemed by God's grace and God's grace alone.

Then, last weekend Melissa left. It is always hard to see a friend leave, and as she was my partner in crime for the past 5 weeks, it was especially difficult to see her go. I am thankful that she is from Connecticut and so we will be able to reunite when I head back to Massachusetts.

Speaking of heading back to Massachusetts, that is happening next saturday. As in one week from tomorrow. Please be praying for me friends. My heart really is breaking more and more each day and it is only going to be by God's strength that I am able to leave here with even the slightest bit of composure. I am not ready to leave, and with each passing day I try to find a way around leaving. But I know that at least for now, Emmanuel is not where I am supposed to be and so I need to trust that God will show me my way back if one day I am supposed to be here again. I am going to miss so much. Of course, my kids. The hugs, the "kalli mi amiga?"s, all of their little cuts and scrapes and fevers. And my friends. So many of the older kids truly have become friends to me and it will be hard leaving them. My staff and other volunteer friends. Someone said tonight that no one understands Emmanuel unless they're here and it could not be more true. Friendships are special here because of the connection we have in that mutual understanding. Though I have not know anyone here for more than 6 or 7 months at the most, time is funny here and it feels like I have known many of these people for years. There is always facebook or email to stay in touch but I think we all know that is not the same.

So it is going to be an emotional week. I am blessed. Blessed to love and be loved so much. One of my favorite quotes is from the book Kisses for Katie by Katie Davis: "I believe there is only one truly courageous thing we can do with our live: to love unconditionally. Absolutely, with all of ourselves, so much that it hurts and then more." I know now why she calls loving so much a courageous thing because I am experiencing the results of it. It hurts. My heart physically is in pain when I think about saying goodbye to my life here at Emmanuel. I am closing a chapter, ending a season. I know God has so much more in store for me when I get home, and I while I will be excited to begin that new adventure, I can't even think about that right now. I know it will be okay. I know life will quickly move on, as it tends to. But that does not dull the pain in my heart.

Change isn't fun. I have never been a fan of it. I know that no one ever likes to say goodbye, and that I am not the first volunteer to feel a loss when leaving Emmanuel, nor will I be the last. It is a special place, with special people. The pain I am feeling only goes to show how blessed I am. I have been taught so much, learned so much. I have loved so much, and been loved in return. My time here has not been perfect. I have not always said or done the right thing, or reacted the right way. In fact, more often than not I probably reacted the wrong way, or did or said the wrong thing. That has only taught me more about God's mercy and grace, about repentance and forgiveness. I have had bad days, dealt with many bad attitudes and have had many times where I myself had the bad attitude. This has only showed me that I can not do anything on my own. I need to be in God's Word every day or I'm a lousy person to be around. I need to constantly be giving things up to God or I get overwhelmed. And even when I am doing both of these things I still fail. I still fall short. But once again, I am reminded of God's grace. If you are reading this and have never learned of God's grace, or maybe you have heard of it but never truly grasped it, please talk to me. Or someone. Let me pray for you, or even better, with you. Let's talk about Jesus and what His dying on the cross really truly means for you and I, because quite honestly- nothing else is even worth talking about. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly" -Jesus (John 10:10).

Faith Like A Child

This morning 7 of the boys in the Small Boys House performed a dance to the song "Who Am I" by Casting Crowns. They have been practicing for weeks and most of them were excited all week for this moment. A couple days ago one of the boys backed out, and it took a day or two for the girl in charge of the dance to figure out a way to make the dance work without him. But gracias a Dios, because yesterday he decided to stick to his commitment and be in the dance with the other boys. This morning Melissa and I went down to the house to help them all get ready, and then we all went down to the church early so that they could practice it through once. We were all sitting in a room in the back of the church waiting, when.... se fue la luz.

The power was out. Here in Honduras this is not an uncommon occurrence, but it doesn't make it any less of an inconvenience. Melissa and I gathered the boys in a circle and we began praying, because without power, they could not play the music for their dance. Willians is a 9 year old boy who came to Emmanuel in April with his brothers and sister. When he arrived, he had a hard time adjusting, but when I came back in June I realized how much progress he had made in the month I'd been gone. And let me tell you... the boy can pray. He is this tiny, sweet, soft-spoken little boy with prayers bigger than himself. This morning, his prayer consisted of this:

"Jesus, right now the devil wants the glory. He wants to get the glory for this, and stop us from dancing. But he is not going to. You are going to get the glory for this dance Lord."

To have Faith like a child.  Melissa remembered that another volunteer girl has a wireless bluetooth speaker; we had used it yesterday so the boys could practice at the house. She ran up and grabbed it and we got the boys seated in the church. After talking with some staff members we were not sure that everyone would be able to hear out of this little speaker, but we figured we might as well try it.

And so, the boys did their dance. Praise the Lord, everyone in the church could hear that song. It was beautiful. I have seen it dozens of times and still it made my heart swell watching them perform, and knowing that they were doing it as an act of worship. And just as little Willians prayed, the Lord received all the glory this morning.

"At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, 'who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?' And calling to Him a child, He put in the midst of them and said, 'truly I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.'" -Matthew 18:1-3

Days Like These

I will miss nights like last night.

Hugs from my freshly showered, footie-pajama-ed boys. Fixing their cuts and scrapes from the day and helping Richard (one of our boys with special needs) brush his teeth, because if Melissa and I don't, no one will. Quizzing those who had an exam today on their multiplication facts, and letting them jump around and act wild for a few minutes to let out some energy before bed. Saying "buenas noches" and "te quiero mucho mucho mucho" 57 times and then some. Walking home to a picturesque sunset that only our God could have created and coming home to my sister Andi saying "so what are we gonna make for dinner?" Enjoying fresh guacamole that only Honduran avocados seem to make right and then sitting outside and reading God's love letter to me while hearing shrieks of joy in the background as the older girls head back from their discipleship meeting. Getting into bed and finding a heart-shaped balloon from who, I don't know, and messaging family and friends back home before heading to sleep. Busy nights? Sometimes. Would I trade them? Never.

And I will miss mornings like this morning.

Waking up at the same time that I have been everyday this week and thinking "siempre." Then shaking my head at the fact that the first thought I had today was in spanish and not english. Waking up to a link to a blogpost sent by a friend, and receiving an encouraging word before even getting out of bed. Having fellowship first thing in the morning as Melissa and I walk to our boys house and having a staff member say "how are you two so happy, so early?" Seeing the boys on their knees with their faces to the floor praying and asking God to bless this day, and to bless those who won't be eating breakfast that morning. The unexplainable pride and joy that comes from hearing those words out of the mouths of children whose parents abandoned them. Hearing "buenas dias" 57 times and then some and receiving the very same hugs I had the night before. Little pajamas to wash and hang out to dry. Hot cereal and coffee with my boys. More hugs and saying "tanga un buen dia" and "portase bien" 57 times as they head off to school. A half hour to read the Word before going to work at the office. Early mornings? Always. But I have been blessed by each and every one of them.

24 more nights like last night, and 23 mornings like this morning. The days left in this season are numbered and even on days like today when I feel tired and yes, even a little grumpy, I am so thankful that I have been blessed with my time here at Emmanuel.

"Follow Me"

As of the 24th, I have one month left here at Emmanuel, which means I am halfway through my Honduran summer. This is bittersweet for me, but I am continuously drawn back to Ecclesiastes 3 which tells us that "for everything there is a season." And boy has this season been full.

In January, I arrived in Honduras, completely unaware of how much change was about to take place in me. In February, I learned about seizure disorders in the clinic while helping to care for a girl with epilepsy. In March, I met my 57 boys who have wormed their way into a place in my heart I didn't know existed. In April, I co-taught a special needs class here at Emmanuel and I believe I learned way more than the kids could have during those classes. In May, I began saying my first round of "not goodbye"s, but "see you later"s. In June, I was welcomed back with open arms by the kids I love so dearly... and I realized that even after 5 weeks without speaking spanish I could still handle myself alright as far as communication was concerned. And July- now that has been an adventure.

I have learned more about the power of prayer these past few weeks than I have in all of my mere 20 years of life. James has always been one of my favorite books of the Bible, but recently a friend of mine here showed me a passage I never noticed before:

"Elijah was a man just like us. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years. Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops." -James 5:17-18

Elijah's prayer was so powerful that it did not rain, not for one year, not for two years, but for three and a half years. And it wasn't because Elijah was in a place of power, or of high authority. He wasn't a king, or even one of Jesus' 12 disciples. Elijah was a man JUST LIKE US! And yet God heard and answered his prayer in a way no one would have imagined. The power of prayer has nothing to do with how much power the person praying that prayer holds... it has to do with the power of the God hearing that prayer. And the faith in which that person prays. James 1:6 says "but let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind."

...This is where I paused for a couple of days. When I pray, am I really asking in faith? Do I really believe that my prayers will be answered or am I just sitting and hoping that they will be? I have found myself challenging myself as I pray, and it has changed the way I look at my time in prayer.

So Scripturally, these are some of the things that have taught me about the power of prayer. Now let me tell you a little about how God has worked in my life... and how that has added to these Biblical lessons.

A lot of the people that I meet here from the States come from the south... Georgia, Alabama, Tennessee. One area in particular that is very common here is Auburn, Alabama... especially in the summer. I have met so many people from that area since being here, and girls in the house have joked with me about moving down there. It started out as a joke, and turned into a thought that I began praying about. One day my friend Melissa and I sat down to pray about what was on our hearts. For me, moving to Auburn was one of those things..and so we sat for about a half an hour pouring our hearts out to the Lord together.

The next day was a Wednesday. Every morning here the kids have what we call "morning circle," which is a time where the kids stand together and listen to a devotion given by one of the staff here, and when teams are here, a team member will speak. A guy from the team (which was by no coincidence from Auburn) spoke about Jonah. After he finished telling the story to the kids, he said "If you feel God is telling you to do something, don't be afraid to do it." That pulled at my heart and I wasn't sure exactly why. That morning I was supposed to help my friend Amy teach English class, and when we went down to the school we found there was no first period english class. And so we went to the office to print out papers for the kids in the next class.

Side note: I had been working in the office for the past week, and hadn't had much work to do because no group members had come in to ask about sponsorship for the kids. Working with Amy had been another answer to pray because I was feeling a little out of place, like I didn't have a job at the time. 2 hours after Melissa and I finished praying the night before, Amy had announced she needed help in class. Gracias a Dios.

As we got down to the office there was a group of women waiting to sit down and talk about sponsorship. I found it a little ironic that I had not had any work all week, and now that Amy needed my help I was needed in the office, however I gladly sat down to help them. As they looked through pictures of the kids they told me they were from Auburn, and it was almost like I felt God poking at me saying to tell them I was considering moving there. And so I did. They began to tell me all about the huge college group at their church and asked me what kind of work I was looking to find. As I told them I was a PCA back home for kids with special needs, the woman in front of me told me she worked at an Assisted Living home. She said that I needed to talk to a man from the team named Milton, because he could help me get a job at a Medical Center down there that could potentially put me through school. I was thrilled, and determined to find him at church that night. We exchanged emails, and after they were finished with finding their children to sponsor they went on their way.

Later that day, I saw those women sitting at a table and I stopped to talk to them. They told me I needed to talk to a girl here who was a nursing student at Auburn. As I was walking to my boys house for dinner I saw a girl with an Auburn shirt on, and so I stopped her to see if she was that girl- she was. We began walking back in the direction I came from as she filled me in on the program there. We finished our conversation and I turned to walk once again back to my boys house. I turned around and there was a man from the team walking in my direction. I lifted my hand to say "hi, how's it goin" and continue to the boys house, when he stopped me and said "I've been here all week and I haven't met you yet, what's your name?" ...now I don't know about down south, but up north, that's not a common thing to do. I thought it was odd, but I introduced myself. "Hi Kalli, I'm Milton" was his response. There's no way, I thought. I told him I was supposed to talk to him about getting a job in Auburn and after asking me a few questions he said "done, we're gonna make it happen." We made plans to exchange contact information after church and I continued on to my boys house.

Unreal. It was no coincidence that the man I was supposed to talk to about getting a job walked up to me and introduced himself. I don't believe in coincidences, I believe in God. I believe in the power of prayer. As I told Melissa about all of this I said "in 24 hours God has answered almost every prayer I prayed last night... now all I need is a place to live." In saying this, I had no expectations I would find that that night. However, a friend of mine from Auburn introduced me to her dad after church, and wouldn't you know they offered to let me stay with them for a couple months until I got settled. This was way too much to process in one day, but I was starting to take this whole moving thing seriously. Since that day I have met 2 other people who have offered to get me a job at the same medical center in that area.

And it is no coincidence that in these past weeks I have read and heard the multiple passages in Matthew commanding those who want to follow Jesus to leave everything behind, and do it. Immediately. In Matthew 4, Jesus tells Simon Peter and Andrew to follow Him. And they leave their fishing nets behind, and they go.. immediately. In Matthew 8 Jesus tells those who want to follow Him to not even wait to bury their own father... but to go with Him immediately. "And when He got int he boat, his disciples followed Him" (Matthew 8:23). In Matthew 9, a man leaves behind his tax business to follow Jesus as commanded. In Matthew 10 and 16 we are commanded to "take up our cross" and follow Him. The guy speaking on this passage made it come alive to me when he explained that back then a cross was a form of a deadly weapon. I don't think that in this day and age we fully understand the power of that commandment, and the intensity of its meaning. We are not called to half heartedly follow Jesus. We are called to leave everything behind, even our family members, and our businesses, to take up our cross daily and follow Jesus. And in Matthew 19 Jesus asks even more. A man asks Jesus what "good deed" he must do to earn eternal life (v 16). Jesus' response is "why do you ask me about what is good? There is only One who is good" (v 17). Jesus then tells the man he must follow the ten commandments, which he then lists off. The man says "All these I have kept. What do I still lack?" (v 20). Jesus doesn't tell him "ah alright man you're good then." He doesn't say "good work, you're a good guy, keep on livin' life to the fullest." Jesus says "sell what you posess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me" (v 21). And what did that man do? He walked away, sad... because he had a lot of cool stuff (v 22).

These past few weeks, God has not just taught me about the power of prayer. He has taught me what it really means to be a follower of Christ. And He has challenged me to do it. And so I am. I don't know what God has in store for me down in Alabama. All I know, is the peace I have about making this decision is the same peace I had back in October when I decided to come here. And that was the best decision I have ever made thus far.

Another Auburn friend of mine here received money randomly all week from team members. Enough money to buy a plane ticket... and so she told me she had decided to buy one for me.  She bought it Wednesday night, and Thursday afternoon I found $50 on my bed. I have no idea where that money came from, but it is just one more way God has provided for me. And so that money also went towards my plane ticket. I will be going to Alabama for 10 days the first week of September to figure out my job situation and all the other details... please be praying for that!

This is a lot to digest, I know. It is for me as well. However I ask that you please be praying for me as I make this move, that God would continue to be clear in directing me and that I will be willing to follow Him no matter what it means giving up. I don't know yet where I will go to school, or when, but I am trusting that God will show me when I need to know... and that's all I need.

Readjusting

"For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it" 
                                         -Matthew 16:25

These words keep playing themselves over in my mind this morning. Living away from home, away from everyone you know, in a country where you don't even really speak the language.. it gives you more time to think. How many times in a day, an hour even, do I think more about myself than about others? More about what I want to do, how I feel, what I think... rather than how the person next to me wants to do, how they feel or what they think. It's so easy to be self centered without even realizing it. And then, God smacks you upside the head with a Bible verse that won't leave your mind. Like this morning, with Matthew 16:25. 

Readjusting to anything takes a little bit of time, and there is always good and bad. I am thrilled to be back at Emmanuel, and so thankful I was placed with my boys again. I have loved seeing all the kids... there are so many it seems that everyday I'm seeing someone for the first time since I've been back! I knew before I left that when I came back there would be changes, some things would be different than before, because things always change. I knew there would be all new girls in the house I live in and that I would not have the other girl volunteers that I had become so close with anymore. All of that is true... but it is not necessarily a bad thing. I so easily made a comfort zone here at Emmanuel.. and as appealing as that is, we are called to live outside of our comfort zone. And so once again, that is where I am... and God is using that. He is showing me that in order to find my life in Jesus, I need to lose all the comforts and worldliness of my life. This sounds like a one time process, and maybe for some people it is. But for me, it is a yearly, monthly, sometimes even weekly or daily process. I give up one distraction and then without realizing it I acquire another. But God is working on my heart, and I am so thankful for the peace I feel here. I love Honduras, and I love Emmanuel.

I have been here for almost one week, and as I said, I am back with the 8-10 year old boys that I worked with for 3 months out of my last time here. It is so good to be with them! I feel that I have picked up right where I left off with the kids here. I am also working in the office, which always is a different task than the day before and I am always learning something new about Emmanuel. Please pray for opportunities to talk to these kids about their relationship with Jesus, and that they see Him in my daily words and actions. Pray that I will show them patience and grace, even when it is difficult. And pray for safe travels for everyone coming to and leaving Emmanuel... there is a new team here every week! 

Thank you for your prayers and support... I so appreciate it!

Rolando, Daniel, Domingo and Josue David-

so happy to be reunited with all of my boys!

Karla and Zelenes-

 two girls that are very dear to my heart

My mama wrote me letters to open while I was here,

I am so thankful for her love and support!

Beautiful girls!