Jumbled Emotions

I've had this problem the past couple of weeks where I can't seem to voice my thoughts. I have all this clutter tumbling around in my head and whenever I try to talk about it or write it down I suddenly have nothing to say. So here's an attempt at updating you all. (or ya'll. I guess I need to practice saying that, right?)

For starters, the day after I wrote my last post was probably one of the most emotional days I've had here at Emmanuel. I walked down to the boys house in the morning and while I was getting the cereal ready, Melissa came over to me and said "we only need to serve 56 bowls this morning. Rolando left yesterday." I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful that he has had the opportunity to be reunited with his family... I just was not expecting it. If you're looking at the picture on the top of this page, Rolando is the little cutie tucked under my right arm. He loves to give and receive lots of love and hugs, and was always one of the more sensitive boys in the house. I remember a conversation I had with him back in April, and through tears he told me how much he missed his mom. I can't help but be thankful that he is now back with his momma.

To answer the question I'm sure some of you have: yes, the goal is always to place kids with family if at all possible. Many of our kids here do have parents who love them, but similar to many foster care situations in the states, for one reason or another are not always capable of providing. I trust that the courts deemed Rolando's family suitable to provide and that he is being loved and cared for as I write this. Selfishly, I can't help but miss having him here to hug every day, however I know he is where he is supposed to be, and that God has him tucked in the palm of His loving hand.

The day after this, both myself and Melissa were approached to share our testimonies at church the following day. My mouth spoke the word "yes" but the rest of me wanted to scream "nope, no way, not happening." I spent the next 24 hours in a panic, and I had no other choice to give it completely over to God. My stomach was in knots up until the very last minute, but the second I got up front and began to speak, I had the strangest peace. Yes, my hands were still shaking, but I was able to speak in confidence that God was going to give me the words. Isaiah 51:15-16 says "I am the Lord your God, who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar- the Lord of hosts is His name. And I have put My words in your mouth, and I have covered you in the shadow of My hand..." and Isaiah 55:10-11 talks about how God's Word will not return void, but it shall accomplish the purpose of which God sent it. Those two verses were what got me through that day of preparing. I don't like speaking in front of people (I don't think anyone really does), and I also don't especially like my testimony to begin with. I'm not proud of a lot of things that I shared with the kids that night, but I know that God can use anything for His glory and so I just pray that those kids heard not the story of my life, but the story of a sinner redeemed by God's grace and God's grace alone.

Then, last weekend Melissa left. It is always hard to see a friend leave, and as she was my partner in crime for the past 5 weeks, it was especially difficult to see her go. I am thankful that she is from Connecticut and so we will be able to reunite when I head back to Massachusetts.

Speaking of heading back to Massachusetts, that is happening next saturday. As in one week from tomorrow. Please be praying for me friends. My heart really is breaking more and more each day and it is only going to be by God's strength that I am able to leave here with even the slightest bit of composure. I am not ready to leave, and with each passing day I try to find a way around leaving. But I know that at least for now, Emmanuel is not where I am supposed to be and so I need to trust that God will show me my way back if one day I am supposed to be here again. I am going to miss so much. Of course, my kids. The hugs, the "kalli mi amiga?"s, all of their little cuts and scrapes and fevers. And my friends. So many of the older kids truly have become friends to me and it will be hard leaving them. My staff and other volunteer friends. Someone said tonight that no one understands Emmanuel unless they're here and it could not be more true. Friendships are special here because of the connection we have in that mutual understanding. Though I have not know anyone here for more than 6 or 7 months at the most, time is funny here and it feels like I have known many of these people for years. There is always facebook or email to stay in touch but I think we all know that is not the same.

So it is going to be an emotional week. I am blessed. Blessed to love and be loved so much. One of my favorite quotes is from the book Kisses for Katie by Katie Davis: "I believe there is only one truly courageous thing we can do with our live: to love unconditionally. Absolutely, with all of ourselves, so much that it hurts and then more." I know now why she calls loving so much a courageous thing because I am experiencing the results of it. It hurts. My heart physically is in pain when I think about saying goodbye to my life here at Emmanuel. I am closing a chapter, ending a season. I know God has so much more in store for me when I get home, and I while I will be excited to begin that new adventure, I can't even think about that right now. I know it will be okay. I know life will quickly move on, as it tends to. But that does not dull the pain in my heart.

Change isn't fun. I have never been a fan of it. I know that no one ever likes to say goodbye, and that I am not the first volunteer to feel a loss when leaving Emmanuel, nor will I be the last. It is a special place, with special people. The pain I am feeling only goes to show how blessed I am. I have been taught so much, learned so much. I have loved so much, and been loved in return. My time here has not been perfect. I have not always said or done the right thing, or reacted the right way. In fact, more often than not I probably reacted the wrong way, or did or said the wrong thing. That has only taught me more about God's mercy and grace, about repentance and forgiveness. I have had bad days, dealt with many bad attitudes and have had many times where I myself had the bad attitude. This has only showed me that I can not do anything on my own. I need to be in God's Word every day or I'm a lousy person to be around. I need to constantly be giving things up to God or I get overwhelmed. And even when I am doing both of these things I still fail. I still fall short. But once again, I am reminded of God's grace. If you are reading this and have never learned of God's grace, or maybe you have heard of it but never truly grasped it, please talk to me. Or someone. Let me pray for you, or even better, with you. Let's talk about Jesus and what His dying on the cross really truly means for you and I, because quite honestly- nothing else is even worth talking about. "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly" -Jesus (John 10:10).