Love Them

Auburn City Schools had a snow day today. It rained all day yesterday and it was supposed to get cold last night and they were expecting messy, icy roads this morning.

By 9 am it was 40 degrees and sunny.... the weatherman got it wrong.

Ok now all my northerners, take a minute to giggle a little, maybe let out a sarcastic comment or scoff. I know I did. Now collect yourselves, take a deep breath, and ask yourself:

How often do I get it wrong?

The total sum at the bottom of our bank deposit form, the amount of time it will take us to get from point a to point b, and how many people was it that showed up today... 30 or 50? I was supposed to be asleep by 10:30 but here it is at 12 am and I am wide awake, millions of thoughts swirling through my brain. Why did I make that decision? Why couldn't I have realized that sooner? I should have planned better for this. I got it wrong last month, I got it wrong again last week, and yesterday my words could have been a whole lot kinder in that conversation. I got it wrong.

I am human. Therefore, I will get it wrong again. And again, and again.

But then I hear my Heavenly Father whisper this: "even before you got it wrong, my daughter, I had a plan to make it right."

"by this we know love, that He laid down His life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers" (1 John 3:16).

So let's give the weatherman a break. Or that guy that just cut us off going down 85. Smile at the cashier that's being rude, and pray for the person who's been saying ugly things about you when you're not around. Love them all.  Even when it's difficult. Even when you don't feel like it. We love, because He first loved us (1 John 4:19). Because there is not other response to such unconditional, unfathomable love, than to share it. Even with the people you can't stand to be around. Especially them.

Happy Valentine's Day y'all

per-fek-she-nizem

I never used to see myself as a perfectionist. I get out of bed in the morning and leave it unmade, and I like it that way. I sometimes throw my clothes all over the place instead of putting them back where they belong. At times I have trash on the floor of my car or sticky spots in my cup holders from early morning spilt coffee. I can get a B in a class and be happy with it, and I'm ok with an incomplete on a homework assignment if there's something of higher priority that needs to be done. I mean, I'm currently a college drop out and I'm not having a come-apart over it (a fun phrase I learned down here. It sounds so much more graceful than "mental breakdown").

But lately I see areas in my life where I've been blind to my perfectionism. In my writing, for one. If I haven't posted in this blog for a while it's because I didn't feel I had the perfect words to explain my not so perfect situation. Or maybe I don't feel what's going on is quite as interesting as in the other things I've posted about, so I just don't write at all. You guys probably don't even notice it, but I do. I had a friend tell me once that I tended to write about the "pretty stuff," that I left out the not so pretty, flawed details. Sure, I'll write about things that aren't always positive. But I guess even when I think I'm being honest, in my perfectionism, I'm trying to cover up that honesty with an interesting blog post. Disguise the honest, raw stuff with interesting words and sweet verses and cool stories and sarcastic remarks.

per·fec·tion·ism (per-fek-she-nizem): refusal to accept                                                 any standard short of perfection.

All of my insecurities let that perfectionism shine through. Does she not like me? Did they think I was sweet enough? Did I impress him? Or worse- was that prayer good enough? Did I sound "spiritually mature?" I hope they didn't all realize the truth: that I feel completely inadequate, completely unable. That walking into this room alone is awkward for me. That I am so uncomfortable.

Or how about my faith? Yep, I said it. Okay so I know God loves me, I know He forgave my sins... but maybe last night I opened my mouth a few too many times when I should have stayed quiet. I didn't say very nice things. Or I had judgmental thoughts. I made a rash decision without thinking it all the way through first. I didn't talk to that person sitting by themselves at the coffee shop even though I knew I was supposed to. I haven't read my Bible in 3 days. I might as well give up, cause I can't do this whole being Christian thing. I'm just not perfect at it.

Oh I can tell other people that they don't need to be perfect. That God loves them anyways.. I can recite all those verses and write blog posts about it til I'm blue in the face but when it comes to myself I refuse to let up. And I don't even realize the self destruction until I've broken myself down.

I have a lot of alone time here. I'm still meeting people and finding my place and other than work I don't have a whole lot of things to occupy my time with. As a result I end up with a lot of time left alone with my thoughts, my insecurities, my imperfections. And I can use this time in one of two ways. I can let all those thoughts, the loneliness, the uncertainty of tomorrow... I can flinch at the times I recall saying or doing the wrong thing and wish away all those awkward moments or times when I truly just let my flesh win. Or I can put my confidence in the Lord. I can trust that He will take care of tomorrow, as he has so many times before. That He will guide my steps. That His grace is enough. That when He was nailed up on that cross and He muttered "It is finished" with His dying breath, and 3 days later when He beat that same death, when He came alive again after a full 72 hours of being dead.... that is when His blood covered me. He covered all of my sins, my insecurities, my fleshly desires and my imperfections. He scooped me up with His wounded hands from the nails that put Him up on that cross and He said to me "My grace is sufficent for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."

So I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me (2 Corinthians 12:8-9).

The Minute Magazine

I was recently blessed with the opportunity to share an article in a small Louisiana magazine called "The Minute Magazine." I thought I would post it on here if anyone is interested in reading it! My article is on pages 42-43.

http://issuu.com/theminutemagazine/docs/mm_nov_dec_2013_online

Y'all, football

I meet a lot of new people here. Mostly because everyone I know lives, well, not in Alabama. It always makes me laugh when the first question out of someone's mouth after they meet me is "so where are you from?" ...I mean, is it really that obvious I'm not from here?

But then when I say I'm from Massachusetts, the next thing is always "you don't sound like you're from Boston!" Trying to explain to people not from New England that there is in fact more to Massachusetts than just Boston is a more difficult task than you would think.

And then there's the football thing. I grew up with Sunday afternoon football, occasionally Monday night football. We root for the Patriots from our couches at home and are perfectly content with it. To my northern friends- it is a whole other world down here. Whether you are meeting someone for the first time, meeting someone for lunch, in a board meeting or a staff meeting... any and every meeting begins and concludes with football talk. And not the NFL. And not just college football... high school football too. They actually changed the date of halloween here because there was a high school football game on halloween. So the city of Opelika mandated that trick-or-treating would be done on the night of the 30th, not the 31st. Seriously, football is a big deal here. I went to a football game at a very small high school out in the country and I wanted to know if they had their own football field or if the game would be somewhere else. I thought I was going to cause a heart attack. Apparently every school has a football field. Except the town I grew up in. We had Bullens field.

But somewhere in between the struggle to not succumb to the peer pressure to say "y'all" and the process of learning my roles in a new job, a lot of new names, and how to keep up with football stats, I've survived my first month in Alabama. There have been easy days, and there have been not so easy days. I've been tired, really tired. There have been trials but there have also been many, many blessings. I am learning more and more every day about the sovereignty of God, and how much better His plans are than mine. Seriously, He's just good at the whole planning thing.

By the way, they do in fact know about iced coffee and sarcasm down here. So that was a relief. I might just make it after all.



"But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ." -Phil. 3:7-8

anything

"We were made for God. To be filled with him, to live out our days for him, and to long for the day we will meet him. The minute Adam and Eve turned from him to their pride, they were lost and restless, searching for the fulfillment that only he could bring them. We've all followed suit... searching, longing, waiting, but not running to our Jesus. See, he always had an elaborate yet simple plan to get us back.
                                       To die.
So when he looks back at me and says, Okay now, Kalli, you die. Die to this life and your will and your need to be important and comfortable and happy, he has my attention."
                                                      -Jennie Allen, anything

Sweet Home Alabama

I always had this cookie cutter shaped idea of what my life would look like. I would graduate high school; go away to college and graduate four years later with a nursing degree. I would of course be engaged to the handsome guy that I met in college who was most likely going to med school, because what is more perfect than a doctor marrying a nurse? We would live in beautiful house and have beautiful children and life would just be beautiful.

I could not have been more wrong.

I graduated high school. I went away to college, and I hated it. By the end of Christmas break after my first semester I had already packed up my belongings, moved back home, and enrolled in community college. I began desperately attempting to fix my plan, put it back together and get back on track. I was convinced I could still live out this cookie cutter life I had in mind, without realizing what I was doing. I was in the middle of my second semester at the community college I always swore I would never attend, studying out of over priced textbooks and applying to every nursing program that would accept transfer students when suddenly my life took off in the opposite direction of my original cookie cutter plan. Before I knew what I was getting myself into I had a flight booked to Honduras for the following semester and I began to give God the reins in my life with little idea of what was about to happen to my heart.

That was almost a year ago, and looking back on this past year I can’t believe it has only been a year. I feel like I’ve aged 5 years in the past 11 months and my life has been flipped upside down and turned inside out more times than I can count. The Lord has shown me, sometimes subtly, and sometimes not so subtly, that I can do nothing without His help. That His plan is better than mine, and that if I lay down my pride and submit to His will, no matter the cost, He will provide. Most recently I’ve felt God leading me to move to Alabama, and so last Wednesday I boarded a flight, this time to Atlanta, GA to begin my most recent journey.

Let’s start with day 1. Wednesday, September 4^th. I boarded my first flight from Hartford to Charlotte and was greeted by a mother with her six-month-old baby. I’m aware that most people grimace at the idea of babies being aboard a plane, but I was thrilled. As soon as this babies’ mother said hello to me I could hear a Hispanic accent in her speech. And within 5 minutes, she was speaking Spanish to her baby. We began talking about Mexico, where she was from, and Honduras. We talked the whole flight and I don’t think she had an idea how soothing it was to my soul to hear someone speaking Spanish. Weird, I know. Bear with me. So then I board flight # 2, from Charlotte to Atlanta. This time two guys around my age who were no doubt European greet me. As I sat down I listened to figure out what language they were speaking, and I was almost positive it was Danish. I spent the whole flight listening them converse in Danish and was thrilled whenever I recognized a word… for those of you who don’t know, I had a couple of friends who were from Denmark while I was in Honduras and learning about their culture/ a couple of words from their language was always a highlight in my day. As we were about to land I asked them where they were from and sure enough they were from Denmark. I know to some of you all of this sounds random, but to me it was little pieces of comfort from my time in Honduras. And to have both languages I grew to love in the same trip was nothing short of a blessing to me that day. Another HUGE blessing that day… I was able to spend a couple of hours with my sweet, sweet friends Brittany and Rachel whom I met in Honduras. I can’t express how good it was for my heart to see them and spend time with them for the first time in months.

Days 2,3,4 and 5 were spent with friends that I had met at Emmanuel. On Saturday I went to my first college football game, which was quite the experience. On Sunday I visited a church that has a college aged service with about 300 students. Incredible.

Day 6, Monday September 9^th. This was the date I had been waiting for after registering for a nursing information session and TEAS Exam slot a couple of months ago, two requirements to applying to the nursing program at Southern Union, the college I applied to for this upcoming spring. Sunday I was blessed with a friend of Andi’s giving me a practice exam book, and so I spent Sunday night studying, which thankfully paid off. With God’s help I scored 10 points higher than the average score for that exam, and so I felt good about that. While I was in the exam Joshua 1:9 kept coming to mind: “Be strong and courageous, do not be terrified or discouraged for the Lord is with you wherever you go.” I wrote this verse on the top of my scrap piece of paper before the exam started. Once the exam was over, I walked out to Andi’s car and she handed me a coffee mug she had picked up for me at a store she was at while waiting for me to finish. On this mug was written Joshua 1:9 in Spanish. Later that night I read out of the chronological Bible I’ve been reading in and that day was a passage in Deuteronomy. Chapter 31, verse 6. Look it up. God is good.

Day 7, Tuesday September 10^th. I had an interview with someone from HR at East Alabama Medical Center. When they called me on Monday they said that there were no available positions but that they wanted to interview me while I was in town since it would only be for this week. Showed up to the interview the next morning and the woman interviewing me said there were 5 open Med Care Tech positions that were placed on her desk that morning. She needed to post them internally so that staff had the first chance to interview but after that I could potentially be called in for another interview. Before this trip I had said that I needed to have a job secured or I wouldn’t move down there. I walked out to the car and told Andi that I felt like I needed to let that go, that even if I didn’t have a job I needed to come down on faith that God would provide a job. So that was that afternoon. That night I also received an email from Passion, the conference I have been wanting to go to in Atlanta this coming January. It was an email thanking me for registering, and in this email was my ticket. I did not register for a ticket to Passion. I am so blessed.

Day 8, Wednesday September 11^th. I woke up to an email from a guy I had met in Honduras, Milt. He forwarded me an email about a part-time receptionist job at a ministry called Youth For Christ. I decided to call them about it and at least see what it was about. When I called Kevin, the guy who runs this ministry, he said he didn’t know who Milt was but that he would be happy to interview with me. When he asked me where I was staying I told him the name of the family who has welcomed me into their home and he told me that yes he knew that family and that Eric used to be on the board for Youth For Christ. We set up an interview time for that afternoon. I walked into that interview with the idea of potentially working in the mornings, part time, as a receptionist. I walked out of that interview with an offer for a full time job (pending the board meetings final decision next week) as administrative assistant for YFC. Kevin had been looking for someone to take up this position and someone had just fallen through the day before. He claimed I was an answer to prayer, I say this job offer was an answer to prayer. I could not be more excited to work for this ministry and see what God does with that. I have yet to receive a phone call from EAMC. The reason I had so actively pursued a job there was because they offer a scholarship to Southern Union for the nursing program, and employees are more apt to get it. I also found out on Wednesday that I am not eligible for that scholarship because I have taken half of the classes for that nursing program at a different college. God’s plans are so much better than mine. That night I went to a college ministry at the church I went to on Sunday. As I listened to the speaker I was challenged: if all of these blessings were taken away from me tomorrow, is Jesus enough? Do I need all of these things and moments and opportunities to continue following Him? I would like to say that, yes; even if everything that I’ve been given this week were taken away from me I would continue to follow where I feel God is leading me (Alabama)…I only hope that would be true. For now I am thankful and blessed for what I have been provided with, and pray that God is glorified through this whole journey. That others will see that none of these opportunities I have been given are of myself. Because I can accomplish nothing on my own, and for every second of success or opportunity I have been provided with, God receives the glory for that. Not me.

Day 9, Thursday September 12^th was spent meeting lots of new people. A friend I met in Honduras introduced me to a girl from Auburn that he thought I would get along well with. We met for coffee that morning, and it was so encouraging to talk with her. To have a conversation with someone my age that has the same passions in their heart as I do was such a blessing. I also met a lot of people from the board at Youth For Christ that day since they will be voting me in (or not) this Monday at their meeting. The chairman of the board ended our meeting with “can’t wait to work with you.” So encouraging. My heart is full.

Day 10, Friday September 13^th. I had received a text from Kevin from YFC on Thursday asking me to go to Opelika High School this morning and sit in on a meeting for a club that is just beginning. I had no idea what to expect. I walked into the choir room at the high school and the leader of the group said to me “you must be Kalli. Our topic today is orphans and Kevin told me you were at Orphanage Emmanuel, I was hoping you would share about your time there.” Talk about on the spot. That seems to be a theme in the past few months. Friday night I was able to see another sweet friend I had met at Emmanuel as she is in town this weekend. It was so encouraging to chat and catch up on our lives since we’d last seen each other.

Today I sit in an airport waiting to board a plane to North Carolina, where I will be able to see Allison, my best friend growing up who I have not seen in 2 years. My mom, her mom, and her fiancé have blessed me with another plane ticket home on Wednesday so that I can stay and visit with her for a few days.

My cup is overflowing. My heart feels like it could burst. I am so blessed, and so thankful. God provided everything I needed and more this week, down to the very last detail. I have told Youth For Christ that provided I am voted in Monday I will be able to start working October 7^th. And so after Wednesday I will head home to MA for 2 more weeks to pack and visit with friends and family before I make my way down to sweet home Alabama. Please be praying for continued provision and peace in this decision!

“I don’t always know where this life is going. I can’t see the end of the road, but here is the great part: courage is not about knowing the path. It is about taking the first step. It is about Peter getting out of the boat, stepping out onto the water with complete faith that Jesus will not let him drown.” -Katie Davis, Kisses For Katie

Honduras, Massachusetts, Alabama

Being back in the states is... emotional. It's good, so good, to see friends and family. It's hard not seeing my kids every day. It's different... so so different. Driving a car and leaving my house whenever I want and having access to pretty much anything. And yet so normal. I've been back 10 days and yet it feels like weeks. Funny how you just kinda slip back into your normal life style. It makes sense, really. I lived in the states for 19 years... I lived in Honduras for 6 months. Of course this would be the most "normal" and at-home thing for me. But at the same time, it's not. I know this is confusing. My head's spinning too.

It's 5 am and I'm still awake. I guess it's not surprising that I'm having trouble sleeping tonight seeing as in a couple hours I leave for Alabama. I'll be visiting for 10 days and Lord willing I will have answers to everyone's questions, including my own, about what I am doing with my life after this trip. Please pray for provision, pray for wisdom, pray for peace.

I wanted to update you friends on some things that happened my last week at Emmanuel. Cause it was a good week... a difficult week, an emotional week... but a stinkin good week. God showed me so much and I had a lot of cool moments that I know He coordinated specially for that last week.

For starters, I'm really not usually a very outspokenly-emotional girl. And by that, I mean I really don't normally cry a whole lot. Until the end of this summer... those last few weeks I became a crier. And the day I left... and the days after that. Just ask my mom. Talking about my boys still makes my eyes well up. All 57 of them are just a bunch of heartbreakers with their sweet smiles and hugs and love. I miss them, and I can't imagine not seeing them again. But it's all in God's timing. I'm coming to terms with that, and I'm ok with it. But, if I could hop on a plane to Tegucigalpa instead of Atlanta tomorrow I would absolutely do so.

I've talked about Sandra since I arrived at Emmanuel in January. She's a sweet, sweet 11 year old girl with a smile that will steal your heart. She is disabled, and has lived in the toddler house since she arrived at Emmanuel a couple years ago. She didn't go to school and so she stayed there to be cared for and looked after because all the other kids attend school during the day. Over the past 7 months God's been working with her. There has been a constant flow of volunteers/team members who have a desire to help her. Whether it be a physical therapist or occupational therapist, or the sweet hearted volunteer who bought her parallel bars so she could practice walking on her own, God has provided people.

Julissa (center)

There's this cute little 9 year old girl with big brown eyes named Julissa that lives in the Medium girls house. She and my friend Brittany were really close, and so when Brit left in May I started bringing her to church with me, and that is how we became close as well (bear with me, I promise I'm going somewhere with all of this). I promised Julissa we would have a sleepover before I left. So the Saturday before I left I planned to do that. It didn't work out, and so I told her I would sleep over her house monday night. Monday night rolled around, and when I walked in the door with high school musical in hand, the room was full of 20 or so girls and Sandra!! A physical therapist from the team had talked with some staff members, and they all decided it was in Sandra's best interest to move up into a house with girls her own age. As I was talking with this woman she asked me if I was staying the night. I said yes and asked her where Sandra's room was. My heart melted when she pointed down the hall to the room Julissa lives in. So I was able to have a slumber party with two of my best girls that night. I was able to stay with Sandra on her first night of the big move, tuck her in, pray with her before sleep and just plain be there with her. And at the same time, I was able to snuggle with my girly Julissa and read to her before bed and spend time with her. Blessed. That was God. No other explanation for it. The date change, the room Sandra moved into... it was all ordained by my Heavenly Father and I have no doubts about that. I was so thankful and so stinkin blessed to be a part of that night. Oh and also... Sandra had her first day of school the next day :)

Sandra with some of her new friends!

Now backtracking one day to the Sunday before I left. I was blessed with an abundance of support money, and I was in constant prayer about what I was to do with what was left over from this trip. I had talked with the missions board from my church via email and we had decided it would be best to give to one or more of the staff persons at Emmanuel. I went back and forth with a couple ideas in my head and though I thought I had settled on one I still wasn't totally convinced it was where the money was supposed to go. I was praying God would show me someone who needed it but since you can't exactly walk around saying "who needs money?!" I was patiently waiting to see who that was, and wasn't even sure I would necessarily know who needed it. So that sunday I went to visit the toddler house. I was about to leave when my friend Karen's 3-year-old daughter Ashley ran over to give me a hug. Karen works in the store that sells snacks and sometimes breakfast/lunch at Emmanuel and so I asked her if she wanted to go visit her Mami. She said yes. As we arrived at the store I saw Karen was upset and as I walked over she said "how did you know I needed a hug from my daughter at this very moment?!" Now I've known how God works for too long now to think that "my" idea to bring Ashley to see her mom was from anyone or anything but Him. As I spoke with Karen about what was going on, she expressed to me that she was sick and needed to go to the doctor the next day. Financially she said she wasn't sure she'd be able to make it work at one hospital so she figured she'd have to go to the public hospital in Teguce (which is not exactly the place you want your friends being treated at.) As I sat there with the girl I can always count on for a laugh, a smile, a joke... the last person I expected to see in tears... I knew what God wanted me to do with that support money. Thank you to all of you for faithfully and generously giving of your finances... because of your obedience Karen was able to pay for her doctor's visit and the medicine he prescribed her the next day without a problem. Gracias a Dios. 

There were so many other little, seemingly insignificant moments that made that last week special for me. They made it more difficult to leave and at the same time gave me more peace about my departure. I woke up the Saturday morning I left with a completely broken heart. I normally welcomed early mornings at Emmanuel because I loved the peace and quiet time I got when I actually got out of bed before 5 am. That morning I continuously willed myself back to sleep because I was not ready to face leaving. But I survived it. And even that morning God gave me a little something to take home with me. My friend Zue prayed for me, and after that I went back to the house to wait for the taxi driver. I opened up a card from my friend Andi and she had written a verse with the same words my friend Zue had just prayed. I opened up my yearly Bible and the reading for that day once again referenced the same passage: "The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you; The Lord lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace." The Jesus Calling devotional for the day before I left began with "Entrust your loved ones to Me..." and continued to talk about how much better off our loved ones are in Jesus' protective arms. That challenged me to let go. To not worry and fret and be anxious about my boys and who would fix their cuts and hug them and love them every day. Because even if another volunteer was not provided ever again... they are in our Heavenly Father's loving arms, and He will provide all they need. (Don't get me wrong. The staff members in that house love and care for those boys in ways much bigger than I or any other volunteer ever could... but the volunteers have more lenience to "spoil" the kids... we're kind of like the "grandparents" ...we get the fun of spoiling and treating the kids but don't have to be as much of disciplinarians to them. And by the way, a new volunteer arrived the day after I left, and I'm told she was placed in the small boys house :) Gracias a Dios).  

And so I left. I was back in Mass for 10 days. And now I am off to Alabama for another 10. Lord willing, I will be back on September 14th, and I am praying I will have more information about what is to come by then. I trust that God will provide the answers down to the smallest details. Until then, I am at peace with not knowing what's next. I have confidence that God will let me know what I need to know, when I need to know it. And that is enough for me. 

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." -Matthew 6:34

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths." -Proverbs 3:5-6